Have you ever lost someone in your life? “Lost” can mean passed away, or broke up with, or lost touch with. Do you remember your last in-person interaction with them? Do you remember what they looked like? What they were wearing? How they looked at you? What did you talk about? How did that last conversation feel. I can’t help but think about losses now that I have experienced loss. Death is around every corner, friends will get older, relationships will end. It’s a weird feeling because I’m not afraid of loss but I get emotional when I think of the future pain of loss. When my dad passed away, he didn’t leave anything behind. I found his blue polo shirt in the shoe closet and I stuffed it into a corner of my closet because it was something I could hang onto, literally. Memories on the other hand are murkier. I find remembering the last moments quite distressing; I remember less every time. I can’t recall how someone sounds anymore and I don’t remember the exact conversation, but I remember where I was standing, where he was standing, if I felt agitated, if I was calm. I remember a feeling and some context but nothing more. Is that what we become once we’re lost? A feeling and some context – another person in someone’s memory?
I don’t know why we are so obsessed with lasts, maybe it’s because it’s the most recent memory we can remember or maybe the memory holds extra weight because we know this person will never become a future tense. Humans are funny. We go on living with the knowledge that death is prescient but we’re eternal optimists and trust that the future couldn’t be so cruel until it happens to us. The number of losses I’ve experience can be counted on a hand. Each loss felt like I was stabbed in the chest repeatedly. I bled tears until I couldn’t cry anymore. When they left, they took a part of the reality we built together, and I think that is what I grieve the most. The part I lost with them.
The most important lessons of loss: 1) tomorrow is not a given – cherish each experience as a “last” 2) you can lose someone but you still get to keep their memory, that is yours forever.